The unbearable heaviness of being

There was a time when life used to be easy. I liked reading. I read a lot of good books and I was happy. I wanted to read every book that was ever written. It was a nice goal and one that ensured that I would never be bored or hard pressed to find something to do. Then I started watching a lot of movies. The motion pictures were interesting too. I did not want to watch every movie ever made. But, I wanted to see the good ones. I love music. I have been to some good concerts and am always ready for more. I love sports. I am always ready and eager for any live sporting action. I am an enthusiastic quizzer. Really, I am interested in all sorts of things. I heard myself use the word passion often enough. I had one good friend. Life, was not half bad. At least it felt that way.

But, deep down something never felt quiet right ever. The leitmotif that runs through my thinking- “What am I doing with my life?”-started plaguing me in new and unimaginable ways…………… till I find it find it impossible to be content with my life as it is.

I feel completely dissatisfied with being nothing but a passive reader, observer or listener. This is all the easy life. I feel like I am doing nothing. Just nothing, as long as I am not doing with my intellect and creativity (of course acting under the assumption that I have some of those).

I never imagined that there would be a day when I would think that I could do something better than read a good book. But, I just can’t pick up a book these days without thinking that I should maybe try writing one instead. Then, I would be doing something with my life. ………………….And so it goes on, no matter what I do. (Except, when am eating. I have no desire to cook; I am happy just eating). The desire to do something is slowly reaching insane proportions.

It is not lost upon me that this sort of thinking can only make life harder. All around me I see happy people. They all don’t seem to be doing much. In fact they do much less than me and they are ALL happy. I wish I could be that way. But, that would not be me of course. It would never be me to take the easy route.

I don’t want to read books. I don’t want to watch movies. I don’t want to watch any sports ………..not if that is all I am going to do. I just want to DO something with my life, my intellect. I can report that the net result of such thinking ,so far, has been more towards the not doing part of it-I managed to nail that one- rather than the actual doing part of it. But, we will see how it goes…………….